a shoe is not just a shoe

When I get my first paycheck from my first real world, career goal job (i.e. dispensing drugs), I'm going to make an irresponsible and wasteful purchase. I'm going to buy an amazing, beautiful pair of Louboutins.



They are FIERCE and I don't use that word lightly!

It's funny how my previous entry is pretty depressing and this one is raving about shoes. That's my mind and life for you. Sometimes, I happily enjoy my superficial material possessions while most of the time, especially late at night, I get very emotional and think too much =/.

This week the trend

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint // to get cut enough to wake me up // 'cause I know that I don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by

I am not special nor is my life any worse than yours. This entry is not eloquent nor it is deep. I feel a bit ashamed in posting it but the best way to deal is by expressing your feelings.

There comes a point in your life when you realize you have absolutely no idea what you are doing.

I've become sort of a walking zombie, committed to the same routine. I study, I talk, I walk, I breathe and the reasons for this are slowly slipping away from me week by week. I don't know who I am and no one ever does but I am no closer to finding out. I cringe at the idea of tackling any of my problems. Instead, I hide and pretend they don't exist. It is not until they become absolutely unavoidable that I deal with them. I have no goals, no plans, no motivation, no direction in life. I continue my routine because without it, what do I have besides a directionless life paved by what others want from me, rather than what I want?

The one thing in my life I believed in is crumbling around me. Doubt. Regret. The worst situation is one where no matter how you act, you hurt everyone including yourself.

I am lonely. You don't see me. You see a normal girl with a silly grin and a sunny disposition. You don't see a girl struggling to be someone who can be wanted and loved. A girl who craves for acceptance to validate her self worth. Maybe if I was a bit smarter, a bit more cultured, if my hair was shinier, if my clothes were more expensive, maybe...

We are all particles in the universe circling around each other. We crave and fear contact. We collide with disastrous consequences. People disappoint, people leave, people HURT.

I put on my jeans, straighten my hair, apply my mascara, and hope to God no one realizes I am breaking inside. I am an antique, ancient watch. Cracked from years of use, a few ticks left. One more tick and I'm gone. All that's left is the shell of something that was once functional. Once beautiful.

I live life minute by minute. I breathe and hope I muster enough strength to make it through the next minute. It's a bit like drowning. You fight in the beginning, fight for every last gasp for oxygen. Eventually, you tire and you give into the current. You hope, oh god you hope, that one person will miss you when you're gone. You close your eyes and let the water fill your lungs. Nothingness.